POKER QUOTES BOOK - The Quotable Poker Player
A Comic Collection of 1500 Humorous Poker Quotations from Five Card Stud to No Limit Texas Hold 'em.
poker quotes book - quotable poker player book front cover
"There are some really, really funny quotes in here"

"Many of the 'diamond-studded' quotes
had me laughing aloud"

"The Quotable Poker Player is a superb, enjoyable reference book, which is ideal for the 'pick up, put down reader' such as me, making for entertaining and
amusing browsing."

Cover: Paperback
Pages: 200
: 1500
: 17.00 x 24.40 cm
: 1907338052
RRP: £14.99 (BEB Direct Discount of 33% to £9.99)
Twitter: @QuotablePoker



The Fun-Packed Book of Poker Quotes
1500 Humorous Poker Quotations

This volume of 1500 funny poker quotes covers all aspects of poker games - online, tournament, home games, friendly and the World Series of Poker.

The Quotable Poker Player celebrates the fun-side of poker covering the funniest poker sayings and quotations from professional players, poker stars, poker legends, poker greats, poker celebrities, authors, humorists and journalists, as well as a choice selection from film and TV characters.

A special chapter Poker Media covers humorous reviews and comments about Poker Books, Poker Movies & Poker TV Shows.

The Quotable Poker Player covers every angle of the poker world ...
From The Cincinnati Kid to the Poker Brat
From bad beats to Goodfellas
From Holly Madison to Phil Ivey
From home games to House of Games
From Go Fish to the Devilfish
From Poker 101 to Ocean’s 11
From green felt greenhorns to Barry Greenstein
From Poker Face [not Lady Gaga] to Poker Chips

From Texas Hold ‘em to California Split
From The Odd Couple to Phil Laak & Jennifer Tilly
From Full Tilt to Free Rolls

Read 'Em and Weep (with Laughter!)


A Comic Collection of 1500 Humorous Poker Quotations from Five Card Stud to No Limit Texas Hold 'em, from the World Series of Poker (WSOP) to the European Poker Tour (EPT), from Phil Hellmuth to Daniel Negreanu, from Phil Ivey to Gus Hansen, from Victoria Coren to the Hendon Mob, from Online Poker to Home Games, from Aces & Eights to Rounders.

The Quotable Poker Player
also has special chapters on Poker Movies, Poker Books and Poker on TV, as well as a comprehensive A to Z of poker subjects from Advice to Zen Poker.


"Poker is the new pornography. The Internet is awash with it … it’s banned in China and it’s full of excitable Scandinavians."
Rick Dacey on (2006)

"Poker is like war; there is no tomorrow. You have to pick the hill you want to defend and die trying, or be king of the hill."
Johnny Hale on (2009)


"Every bluff is now revealed as the product of untold computations, every bullying all-in raise seen for the science that it is, the arithmetic of incomplete knowledge. Unless, of course, it’s just a bad guess."
Richard Hoffer in Sports Illustrated magazine (2003)

"The cards have no regard for sex; they’ll just as soon make a straight for a woman as a man - only it will sting worse if you have a scrotum."
Michael Konik (2001)

"The game of the world championship is Texas Hold ‘em, a modern form of Seven-card Stud. It strongly appeals to the American temperament, being fast and quick, like a gun duel."
David Spanier in The Independent (1999)

"The Americans tip the odds in their own favour, with World Series tournaments like Limit Razz and Ace To Five Draw; such un-British games that they might as well be competitions to see who can name the most Texan garden centres."
Victoria Coren in The Guardian (2001)

"Anthony Holden, author of the bestselling book about poker, Big Deal, goes out of his way to emphasise that poker is not gambling because it is a game of skill, and yet he won’t go down to the tables without wearing his lucky watch."
Mike Atherton, Gambling (2006)

"Hollywood often uses gambling, and less often card playing, to add a flavour to a movie. Unfortunately most of these movies have silly scenes (House of Games) or stink (Honeymoon in Vegas) or both (Maverick)."
Steve Badger on

"These days, people watch poker on TV until their eyes turn as red as the ace of hearts."
Jon Saraceno in USA Today (2004)

"Poker Tips You Won’t Learn From Kenny Rogers - #3: 'No matter how much you’re tempted, DO NOT hum or sing any portion of The Gambler by Kenny Rogers.' "
"Poker Tip # 15. I'm not kidding about the Kenny Rogers thing."
Richard Roeper in The Chicago Sun-Times (2005)


Review by

"Many of the 'diamond-studded' quotes had me laughing aloud"

London-born author Colin M. Jarman has had 30+ books published in the United States and the United Kingdom, having written books covering such diverse subject areas as James Bond, Doctor Who, Judge Dredd, biographies, dance, science, sports, humour and quotations. The Quotable Poker Player, published in 2010, is one of his newest books in Jarman`s "quotations" series of books. The two years taken to compile the quotations for the book are evident in the painstakingly investigated material crammed between its 200 pages, which combine originality and humour in their content.

The Quotable Poker Player
is a comic collection of 1500+ humorous poker quotations, covering all forms of the game, from 5-Card Stud to Texas Hold`Em. Furthermore, the volume reflects all aspects and views of the game of poker, celebrating the "fun" side of poker on both the US and UK sides of the Atlantic Ocean. The contents of the book are divided into 12 chapters, with notable divisions of the The Quotable Poker Player including chapters devoted to "Poker Books," "Poker As Warfare," "Poker Is.," "Poker Movies," "Poker on TV" and "Poker Song", since any poker quotation book must lack authority if ignoring Kenny Rogers` "The Gambler." These chapters, which include funny, poker-based sayings and quotations from professional players, poker celebrities, authors, humorists and journalists, along with a selection from film and TV characters are accompanied by an extensive A-Z poker glossary.

Despite being an avid poker player, I am not a massive reader on the subject. Primarily, I write for Internet websites and engage in some part-time Mathematics tuition, so the time available for recreational reading is limited. As a result, I was somewhat relieved to find the
The Quotable Poker Player to be more of a reference book than a "page turner," laden with anticipation. Nonetheless, once I started flicking through Jarman's latest offering, I found it difficult to put down.

As a book of quotations,
The Quotable Poker Player essentially has no narrative or writing structure to review. However, it includes quotations from the vast majority of poker players and personalities, organised in a coherent fashion. The book has a seemingly deliberate idiosyncratic ambience and the eclectic assortment of quotations impressed me greatly.

There are offerings from professional players from the European Poker Tour, World Poker Tour and World Series of Poker, along with a selection from celebrity players. This makes for a great mix and a very entertaining read. Many of the "diamond-studded" quotes had me laughing aloud, although generally these are too numerous to mention in an article of this nature. However, one worthy of note is Jesse May's, apparently Internet-promoting quote of 2005, namely,
"Show me a professional player who refuses to play on the Internet these days and I'll show you a dinosaur."

The Quotable Poker Player is a superb, enjoyable reference book, which is ideal for the "pick up, put down reader" such as me, making for entertaining and amusing browsing.

With a recent publication date, the content of The Quotable Poker Player is remarkably current and will provide a great read for casual players or more serious exponents of the game, seeking to pick up poker bonuses.


Review by ANDREW KICAK on

"There are some really, really funny quotes in here"

You learn the game.  You play the game.  You play the game online.  You watch it on television.  You may even read instructional books or pro player biographies.  But have you ever imagined being able to quote poker?  Or rather dish out famous poker quotations and quips?

I admit I never really considered anyone would compile an encyclopaedia of poker quotations.  That is, until I received Colin M. Jarman’s The Quotable Poker Player in the mail.  Essentially, The Quotable Poker Player (TQPP) is a thorough compilation of over 1500 poker quotes or attributed remarks taken from pro players, celebrities, films, historical figures, etc.

Now I’m not a huge reader.  Despite being an English and Theatre major in university, I have rarely found the time to pick up a book for a good read.  And when I do, it’s usually related to my businesses or technical in nature.  So I was understandably relieved to see that TQPP is more a reference book than a suspense-laden page-turner.  But the funny thing is, once I started flipping through it… I couldn’t put it down! There are some good, funny, and smart quotations in the TQPP.   And improbably, it IS a good read.

The Background
Author Colin Jarman has published over 30 books in the United States and in the UK through publisher Blue Eyed Books.  He’s written just about every kind of book from biographies to humour to science.  TQPP is one of his newest books in his quotable book series.  Colin spent nearly two years compiling the quotations for this book.   And it shows.  With over 1500 references, there’s a lot of exhaustively researched material packed between the pages.   Colin used a systematic process of evaluating the content for his book through the lens of “hilarity”, “cleverness”, and “originality” to select the quotations that made it into the book.

The Product
The book is a 156 page paperback with a 2010 publication date.  The contents are divided into 12 chapters or general categories which are further subdivided within each chapter.  Some notable chapters include Poker Faces (real & fictional), Poker Warfare, Poker Song (yes, this book couldn’t possibility have credibility without a mention of The Gambler by Kenny Rogers), and a concise chapter on Poker Movie quotations.  There is no foreword or afterword

The Review
Okay, so it’s a quotations book.  There’s not really much to review.  There’s obviously no narrative or compelling writing structure.  However, the quotations themselves had to be assembled, organized and edited into the book.  There are quotations from almost every major poker personality and player.  What I was particularly impressed with was the eclectic nature of the quotations.  Besides, the usual poker pros you see and hear about at WSOP and WPT, there are quotes attributed to “” for example, as well as celebrity players like Jason Alexander, Brad Garrett, etc.  It’s a great mix.  Overall, this is a great flip-through-read book that makes for an interesting browse.  The special treat was the movie quotes and lines that related to poker, as well as music lyrics, etc.  And given the recent publication date, it’s pretty up-to-date with 2009 and 2010 references.

The cover illustration is a little cheesy looking and I’m not a personal fan of the font used.  But I suppose you could argue that the book has an intentional campy, quirky sort of feel to it.  I also found that the author was reaching a bit when it came to certain quotations.  Like the Gus Hansen quote, “I like to see a lot of flops” seems to me more of a general statement that a humorous, interesting observation.  I’m not sure I would’ve included it in the book.  But then again, I’m not the author!

On the flip side, there are also tons of gems in here – too many to list.  But I loved some of the online poker promoting quotes (ie. “Show me a professional player who refuses to play on the Internet these days and I’ll show you a dinosaur.” – Jesse May (2005)) .   There are some really, really funny quotes in here as well.  I highly recommend checking out the author’s site.  If you want to preview some quotations prior to purchasing, the author’s site is peppered with interesting quotations. Book Review: 4 out of 5

by Women about Women

“To emphasize your femininity, giggle girlishly when you win pots. Check-raise them at every opportunity. Show them your bluffs. They already don’t like you. Why not completely piss them off? … It worked for me.”
Annie Duke, How I Raised, Folded, Bluffed, Flirted, Cursed and Won Millions (2005)

“Every guy plays like he’s hard up with a hard on. I’ve seen them do the stupidest things at the poker table. They are just too pig-headed to think that anybody ever has them beat. Women are much more clear-headed.”
Angelica Stark

“I hate to see that chauvinistic B.S. where men think women belong in the kitchen. Some men have asked what I was doing at the table, and I’d say, ‘Well, I already washed the floors, did the laundry and cleaned the house, and I have nothing to do but play poker.’ I’ve said this a million times: It doesn’t take much strength to lift up two cards.”
Jennifer Harman in USA Today (2007)

“Women can play poker because anyone who can fake an orgasm can raise on a pair of deuces.”
Grace Kelly [Brett Butler] on Grace Under Fire

“First impressions can make or break you at the poker table. Even in an over-conditioned Las Vegas casino, shorts and a Celine Dion T-shirt, don’t exactly say 'I know what I’m doing here,' they scream, 'Take me!' ”
Nicola Copping in The Times (2006) 

“The bottom line is you better win, or you’re going to have your critics that say the only reason why you got there is because you’re good-looking, that you can’t play a lick of poker. Any time that you are attractive and a woman, you better win. You better win.”
Clonie Gowan in The Dallas Observer (2004)

“Any attractive woman who wins a poker tournament can usually find a sponsor within the next 24 hours.”
Isabelle Mercier (2007)

"It’s easy to tease as you raise and flash a coy smile as you call. Flirting goes with poker like ice cream goes with pie - both are good on their own, but much more delicious together."
Leah Bochan in The Badass Girl’s Guide to Poker (2005)

"Women really do play differently from men - they’re chatty, they tease and brag at hands, and even the best of them can be sore losers. Another thing - they’re painfully ruthless."
Melanie McFarland in The Seattle Post-Intelligencer (2003)

“I believe it is probably true that women on the whole are not inclined to discipline their playing according to a scientific law of averages. Speaking of myself, I find that the incomparable advantage of playing by instinct is that no one else has the slightest idea what I am likely to do or why.”
Barbara Tuchman

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Poker Quotations from the Back Cover of

The Quotable Poker Player book

"Poker is the new rock and roll … as far as UK TV poker goes, it’s a sort of Eurovision Song Contest form of rock and roll."

"No-Limit Texas Hold ‘em may be the Cadillac of poker games, but there are plenty of other fine cars in the showroom."

"It’s nearly all Limit poker in the States, which simply means betting gradually in timid little amounts. In other words, it’s a game for big girls’ blouses."

"As W. B. Yeats said about early position limping: ‘Tread softly, for you tread on their dreams ...’ "

"Chris Moneymaker is the face that launched a thousand chips."

"The Hendon Mob are to the card tables what the Rat Pack were to ring-a-ding-dinging."

"Seven years after its initial release, Rounders is more popular than ever … the most influential recruiting film since Top Gun."

"I’m not sure what four nines does, but the ace, I think, is pretty high."

from The Quotable Poker Player

POKER 101 - Sample Quotations

On the idea of a pre-deal ante - "It is as if one should be obliged every few minutes to stop playing poker and waste some chips purchasing tickets in a turkey raffle."
John Blackbridge (1879)

"Sometimes you’ll miss a bet, sure, but it’s OK to miss a bet. Poker is an art form, of course, but sometimes you have to sacrifice art in favour of making a profit."
Mike Caro

"Bluffing - without which poker would possess the fascination of ironing. A good player may bluff only once, perhaps twice, in an eight-hour session, but without this weapon of potential deception one may as well toss in the cards and wager on thumb wrestling."
Joseph Epstein in The New Yorker (2002)

"The sound that a good chip makes as it hits the felt, or the clickety-clack as it’s stacked and restacked with others of its kind, can be as beautiful as a symphony."
Phil Gordon, Poker: The Real Deal (2006)

"The draw, in particular, seems quintessentially American, the kind of innovation you might expect in a country where anyone dealt a bad hand can, in theory, discard and start over."
William Grimes in The New York Times (2006)

"The flop in Texas Hold ‘em is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get."
John Scarne

Phoebe [Lisa Kudrow]: "Okay, Joey, your bet."
Joey [Matt LeBlanc]: "I fold like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face."
on Friends: The One with All the Poker (1995)

"Trust me, heads-up poker play may be the purest form of psychological warfare this game has to offer. It’s no wonder why the old westerns and Rounders and every other poker movie always comes down to a one-on-one battle between the good guy and the villain."
David Williams in All In magazine (2008)

Stuey Ungar [Michael Imperioli]: "Some people said I was crazy to take a dominated hand like Ace-four against Ace-eight. But, wherever you are, you gotta consider all your outs. See, sometimes they save you. But, sometimes you really ain’t got no outs at all."
in High Roller (2003)

"Poker isn’t about the number of pots you take down, or how fantastic you look winning them (though I do admit to thinking I look really good sometimes)."
Andy Bellin, Poker Nation (2002)

"Do not raise in No-Limit Hold ‘em - especially tournaments - if there is a reasonable chance that a re-raise will make you throw up."
David Sklansky, Tournament Poker for Advanced Players (2002)


"I stink at picking up tells. I wouldn’t even notice if a guy took a crap at the table."
Colin Quinn, 'Picking up Tells' in Bluff magazine (2005)

The following poker movie reviews have been specially chosen because they have cleverly used poker speak to sum up their reaction to the film.

ALL IN (2005)
"Then there's a movie called All In, featuring Louis Gossett Jr. It had a premiere in Beverly Hills a couple of years ago. I saw it, and don't expect that it will be in theatres anytime soon … if ever. The plot centres around a young woman named ‘Ace’ who plays poker to pay her way through medical school. I can just see it now. She is taking her medical exams, and one of the questions is: “You are examining an elderly man whose face is flushed and who is having trouble breathing. What hand would you put him on?"
Max Shapiro in Card Player magazine (2007)

"If you go do to see Casino Royale this week, pay no attention to the poker game, but if like me you are also a big Bond fan it's still worth seeing. There's a torture scene that will make it hard for any grown man not to leave the cinema walking like John Wayne. Bond ends up holding the nuts, in more ways than one."
Nicky O'Donnell on (2006)

"By the time all the bets are in, Cincinnati Kid appears to hold a losing hand."
Time magazine (1965)

"The Royal Flush of poker films."

DEAL (2008)
"Deal, aka The Colour of Money with cards instead of cue balls. Fascination with Texas Hold ‘em and other poker variations will likely bolster B.O., though more discriminating auds may choose to pass. Or fold."
John Anderson in Variety (2008)

"The fourth time announcer Vince Van Patten tries to enliven the inaction at the tables with phrases like 'Here comes the flop!' you’re thinking, it’s a flop, all right."
Michael Phillips in The Chicago Tribune (2008)

"Watching other people play poker is boring at the best of times, but when one of them is Matthew Lillard, seemingly playing the same annoying guy as in Scream, it’s more painful than watching amateur snooker in slow motion. The film’s only saving grace is James Earl Jones, who somehow manages to convince us of some sense of coherence, while all around him is wholly unbelievable. That is until the end, when a final twist is employed, and the script finally admits deceit and caves in like a house of rigged playing cards."
Nick Jones on

"A casino heist movie so smooth and satisfying it makes the similar Ocean’s Eleven look like a game of Three-Card Monte."
Lou Lumenick in The New York Post (2003)

THE GRAND (2007)
"Add poker to the long list of games that typically lose whatever makes them compelling as soon as they’re arranged and restaged for film ... As the convergence of two cooling trends - poker and the comic mock-doc - the movie is itself somewhat the victim of a bum deal. Even so, it’s played all in."
Jim Ridley in Village Voice (2008)

HAVANA (1990)
"An over-extended misdeal of a movie that refuses to fold."
Desson Howe in The Washington Post (1990)

"As a movie, alas, High Roller ain’t much. For poker fans, I’ll put it in terms you can understand: Think of it as sitting on a Jack-eight. Off suit."
Christopher Null on (2005)

LUCKY YOU (2007)
"After several delayed release dates, Warner Bros. finally lays down its cards with Lucky You, and it’s a weak hand."
Brian Lowrey in Variety (2007)

"Starts off promisingly, then grows as lifeless as a poker face."
Claudia Puig in USA Today

"Jodie Foster, who throws herself into this flirty role, makes Miss Kitty look like an old sourpuss, and whether it’s Five-Card Stud or a studly card player, she knows when to Hold ‘em and when to walk away."
Rita Kempley in The Washington Post (1994)

"A bunch of jokers play their winning hand."
Brian Miller in The Seattle Weekly (2001)

"Vegas remake holds less than a full house."
Steve Schneider in The Orlando Weekly (2001)

"Everything in Rounders is right there on the surface. Watching it is as exciting as playing poker with all the cards face up."
David Ansen in Newsweek (1998)

"Rounders, in the end, doesn’t have quite enough wild cards."
Owen Gleiberman in Entertainment Weekly (1998)

"Its full house of talent doesn’t make for a winning hand."
Luisa F. Ribeiro in The Baltimore City Paper (2006)

SHADE (2003)
"Card sharks and grifters look like the stuff of an engrossing movie in Shade, but, in the end, under-realized direction and characters deliver less than a full deck."
Robert Koehler in Variety (2004)

WILD BILL (1995)
"20 minutes in, writer-director Walter Hill puts his cards on the table. It’s a dead man’s hand."
Mick LaSalle in The San Francisco Chronicle (1995)


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