TV's Funniest Quotes, Jokes and One-Liners
A collection of funny quotes from Classic TV shows from The Honeymooners to Married With Children, from Three's Company to Table for Five, from Moonlighting to 3rd Rock from the Sun, from Car 54 Where Are You? to Taxi, from Friends to Frasier, from Miami Vice to CSI Miami, from Amos & Andy to Laverne & Shirley, from Growing Pains to Arrested Development, from WKRP in Cincinnati to News Radio, from Northern Exposure to The West Wing to Due South, from I Love Lucy to Everybody Loves Raymond, from The Golden Girls to Designing Women, from Police Squad! to Homicide: Life on the Streets, from The Odd Couple to Mork & Mindy, from All in the Family to Family Ties, from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air to My Name is Earl, from Days of our Lives to Night Court, from The Beverly Hillbillies to Beverly Hills 90210, from King of Queens to King of the Hill.
A collection of funny quotes from Classic TV shows from The Honeymooners to Married With Children, from Three's Company to Table for Five, from Moonlighting to 3rd Rock from the Sun, from Car 54 Where Are You? to Taxi, from Friends to Frasier, from Miami Vice to CSI Miami, from Amos & Andy to Laverne & Shirley, from Growing Pains to Arrested Development, from WKRP in Cincinnati to News Radio, from Northern Exposure to The West Wing to Due South, from I Love Lucy to Everybody Loves Raymond, from The Golden Girls to Designing Women, from Police Squad! to Homicide: Life on the Streets, from The Odd Couple to Mork & Mindy, from All in the Family to Family Ties, from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air to My Name is Earl, from Days of our Lives to Night Court, from The Beverly Hillbillies to Beverly Hills 90210, from King of Queens to King of the Hill.
 Box of Laughs front cover
Classic US TV quotes, jokes and one-liners BOOK TO BE PUBLISHED IN late 2010
and also as an EBOOK
For more information about the printed book and digital download Ebook,
please click here to email Blue Eyed Books A humorous anthology of the
best-remembered and funniest lines from television shows covering fifty years of classic comedy. BOX OF LAUGHS is a comedy store writ large … packed with fondly remembered gems and sidesplitting wisecracks that rekindle memories of laughter and fun liberally dispensed by that redoubtable extra member of the family - the TV. Covering favorite shows, personalities and reliving cherished moments and classically funny sketches, the book will include memorable content from the 1950s right up to today’s funniest shows and dramas in the 21st Century: For example: 1950s - The Honeymooners, I Love Lucy, Leave it to Beaver, Phil Silvers Show, Dobie Gillis, Mister Ed. 1960s - The Andy Griffith Show, Bewitched, The Addams Family, Gilligan’s Island, Beverly Hillbillies, The Dick van Dyke Show, Bewitched. 1970s - M*A*S*H, The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Three’s Company, Barney Miller, The Odd Couple, All in the Family, The Bob Newhart Show 1980s - Cheers, The Golden Girls, Taxi, Roseanne, ALF, The Cosby Show, Family Ties 1990s - Friends, Mad About You, Seinfeld, The Larry Sanders, Show, The Wonder Years, Ellen, The Simpsons, King of the Hill, Frasier, Ally McBeal. 2000s - Just Shoot Me, Spin City, Dharma & Greg, Everybody Loves Raymond, The West Wing, The Sopranos, Will & Grace. | A to Z OF FUNNY TV QUOTES Quotations taken from Classic* US sitcoms, soaps, dramas, cop shows, sci-fi series, sports shows, etc. [ *Classic TV shows = programs no longer in production ] ANSWERS
MADDIE HAYES (Cybill Shepherd): David! May I please have some answers?DAVID ADDISON (Bruce Willis): Delaware, all of the above, 90 degrees. MOONLIGHTING BANKS
ORSON (Ralph James): Money seems to be important to Earthlings.MORK (Robin Williams): I'll buy that. They bring it to a place called a bank. ORSON: What happens at a bank? MORK: You bring in your money; it meets other money, mates and makes more money. It's like a singles bar for cash. MORK & MINDY CARS
RALPH CIFARETTO (Joe Pantoliano): Matt, no offence, but your dad’s Boxster is a Porsche with panties. THE SOPRANOS DEATH
GLORIA STIVIC (Sally Struthers): Do you know that sixty percent of all deaths in America are caused by guns?!ARCHIE BUNKER (Carroll O’Connor): Would it make you feel any better if they was pushed out of windows? ALL IN THE FAMILY END OF THE WORLD
AGENT 99 (Barbara Feldon): You're not taking me on this assignment, are you, Max?MAX SMART (Don Adams): No, I'm not. AGENT 99: But, Max, this is the biggest case that's ever been given to Control. It could mean the end of the world. MAX: If it's going to mean the end of the world, I want to make sure that you're all right. GET SMART FAIRNESS
RORY GILMORE (Alexis Bledel): Not fair. LORELAI GILMORE (Lauren Graham): Yes fair. The fairest. The Snow White of fair. GILMORE GIRLS GOD
Dr. JOHN BECKER (Ted Danson): Just when I think God couldn't screw me any further, he gets out the old Black & Decker and twists a little harder!BECKER HIRING and FIRING
MARY RICHARDS (Mary Tyler Moore): I’m very bad at firing people, Mr. Grant. Once I had to move rather than fire a housekeeper. THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW INSULTS
ENDORA (Agnes Moorehead): Samantha, I will not stand here and be insulted by something which is 94 percent water. DARRIN STEPHENS: Oh, yeah! Well, what about something which is a hundred percent hot air? BEWITCHED JEALOUSY
RICHARD KARINSKY (Malcolm Gets): So, you're jealous of this guy.DEL CASSIDY (Eric Lutes): No, I just don't like the idea of a good-looking guy out with my girlfriend. RICHARD: I know someone who's getting a dictionary for Christmas. CAROLINE IN THE CITY KILL
JAVIER
QUINTANA (Ian Gomez): They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill
people." But that's like saying, "Butter knives don't spread butter on
bread, people spread butter on bread." Of course, that's true, but that
doesn't make it a smart thing to say.FELICITY LAW & ORDER
Capt.
JIM BRASS (Paul Guilfoyle): You're under arrest for obstructing
justice, tampering with states evidence, and violating seven articles of
scumbag. CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATIONS MONEY MIKE SEAVER (Kirk Cameron): All right. Fine, fine ... I'll pay for this trip out of my own pocket. LUKE BROWER (Leonardo DiCaprio): They accept lint? GROWING PAINS NIGHT LIFE MICHAEL
FLAHERTY (Michael J. Fox): I’m not a club kind of guy. If I want to
yell in someone’s ear, I’ll go visit my grandmother. SPIN CITY OLD AGE KAREN
WALKER (Megan Mullally): I think you're missing the silver lining here.
When you're old and in diapers, a gay son will know how to keep you
away from chiffon and backlighting. WILL & GRACE PHONES CHANDLER BING (Matthew Perry) making a phone call: I got her machine. JOEY TRIBBIANI (Matt LeBlanc): Her answering machine? CHANDLER: No, interestingly enough, her leaf blower picked up. FRIENDS QUESTIONS ROSE NYLUND (Betty White): Can I ask a dumb question?DOROTHY ZBORNAK (Bea Arthur): Like no one else. THE GOLDEN GIRLS RETORTS Dr. JULIAN BASHIR (Alexander Siddig): They broke seven of your transverse ribs and fractured your clavicle.ELIM GARAK: But I got off several cutting remarks which no doubt did serious damage to their egos. STAR TREK - DEEP SPACE NINE SWEAT NORM PETERSON (George Wendt): Sweat is nothing to be ashamed of. I myself have perspired once or twice.CARLA TORTELLI (Rhea Perlman): We could grow rice. CHEERS THANKSGIVING CJ
CREGG (Allison Janey): The more photo-friendly of the two turkeys gets a
Presidential pardon and a full life at a children's petting zoo; the
other one gets eaten. Pres. JED BARTLET (Martin Sheen): If the Oscars were like that, I'd watch. THE WEST WING UPSET OSCAR MADISON (Jack Klugman) to Felix: When I get upset, I kick things. When you get upset, you change the shelf paper.THE ODD COUPLE VIOLENCE LOUISE JEFFERSON (Isabel Sanford): Lionel, you'd better go to your room. I don't want you to get hit by your father.LIONEL JEFFERSON: Why would Dad hit me? LOUISE: Because I'm not sure just where I'm going to throw him! THE JEFFERSONS WITCHES CC BABCOCK (Lauren Lane): I'll never get to the airport on time!NILES (Daniel Davis): That's true. She needs at least two people on her broom to use the Express Lane. THE NANNY XMAS BRIAN
HACKETT (Steven Weber): This is the worst Christmas ever. I had thought
it was the one when our parents bought us hamsters and forgot to poke
holes in the boxes, but at least that had a moment of suspense.WINGS YAWN HAWKEYE PIERCE (Alan Alda): Frank, if I could yawn with my mouth closed you'd never know just how boring you are.M*A*S*H ZOMBIES Dr. LUKA KOVAC (Goran Visnjic) playing a computer game: Come on, we can hunt zombies together! ABBY LOCKHART (Maura Tierney): Couldn't we just, reason with them? ER |